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What Would Matt Damon Do?

June 7, 2012

Things you need to know before I tell this story.
1. I love my father
2. My father is the most punctual person on the planet…he even walks on escalators (it’s more of a run)
3. My father cannot stand when he doesn’t know the plan…and worse, when the plan deviates
4. We were supposed to leave at 7am, 2 cars…me with Leigh (mother), Ed (father) by himself (because he didn’t want to be slowed down by the inevitable delay 2 women cause)

That’s enough background…here we go:
So, 7am didnt happen…we were close, 7:27, but that was enough to send EMcD almost through the roof (why didn’t he just go, you ask? Good Q…no idea, I think he wanted to make sure we weren’t going to have more fun than he was gonna have)

Anyway, as we pull out of the driveway, Leigh McD declares its coffee time, EMcD informs us he’s going to the bank…fine.

Not fine. Five minutes later we get a phone call from my father, “the Card reader that lets me into the bank ate my ATM card.” He’s hysterical, and pissed because no one is at the bank at 7:36am. Leigh and I drive over to the bank, and in a moment of I-don’t-know-what, I volunteer as tribute (if you’ve read Hunger Games the joke is funnier ), and wait with my father while Leigh gets on her merry way.

So there we are, pacing outside Chase bank in Westport…I pick up his mannerisms so quickly…we stave off people trying to get in, and finally, my dad goes, “stay here, I’m going home to get a knife.”

WHAT?! A knife…seriously? I hardly had the words out of my mouth before I found myself alone in the bank’s parking lot.

No joke, four minutes later (he speeds…and is borderline proud of it)…he comes back like freaking Batman, screeches to a halt and leaps out of the car with a Leatherman.

This is the best part…he then starts using a knife (alternating with scissors…surgery was not a calling) to try and pry the ATM card out of the machine (see follow up email with picture).

Yes, I know what you’re thinking, “Cris, doesn’t that look like he’s robbing the bank?” Yes, yes it does/did. And there was a moment where I thought that instead of Pittsburgh, I’d be spending the night in the Westport jail (We have one…its literally one holding cell) with my father. We got more than our fair share of looks…all the while I’m saying, “Dad, there’s electricity in there…if you get electrocuted I don’t know how to fix that.”

After about seven minutes of prying – to no avail – the bank manager rolls up and “invites” my father in, where he is issued a new card.

It was now 8:34…a full 94 minutes behind schedule (which will effectively be made up for by not stopping to pee and hitting a consistent 92mph). EMcD jumps into the car, and it was like the goddamn Apollo space shuttle…I’m still trying to get over the G force!

Needless to say, we’re somewhere in New York.

Addendum: A full 24 hours after this event, I thought it appropriate to bring it up again, just to gauge exactly what was going through my father’s head at the time.  Boy did I hit the jackpot…I’ll recount the conversation for you below:

Scene: Dinner at a restaurant in The Strip

Me: So, Dad, you got all Batman on us this weekend.

Dad: “What?”

Me: “Knifing the ATM-card reader?”

Dad: “Oh, that” (chuckling) “Yeah, absurd…as we were standing there waiting around I just kept thinking, ‘What would Matt Damon do’…you know, like in the Bourne Identity.”

Me: (choking on a piece of ice) “What would Matt Damon do?” “Seriously?”

(My mother sitting next to me is beside herself with laughter)

Dad: “Yes, seriously…I thought about what he would do, and I went home and got the knife…Matt Damon wouldn’t just let a card sit in there.”

Me: “And I’m done.”

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